Monday, December 31, 2007

Dreading Tonight

Ugh, I dread going into work tonight. New Year's fucking Eve. Fantastic. Our front of the house person, whom I will refer to as DragonBreath, better not turn people away like he did on saturday night. He has this nasty habit of telling people who come in without a reservation that we are "booked solid". What a total piece of shit this guy is. So on top of the shitty tips we get we have to work twice as hard to try and turn our tables so that we can get more people AND avoid a conversation with him for fear of passing out from his assbreath. Only that doesn't work if the motherfucker keeps turning people away. No one can say anything to this bastard or he'll turn on us by not seating us altogether. I hate tiptoeing around bastards like him. Maybe he'll get fired when the new owners who bought the joint see what he's all about.

If I haven't mentioned it, yes, we have new owners. The old owner, Mr. I-care-only-about-money, has sold the joint to a couple of nice people...so far that is. I've heard some mixed messages about them but I think with the newness of changing the menu and having new owners will bring in some much needed business our way just in time for the busy season.

Oh I neglected to mention Miss-Bitch-of-the-Year, our manager Robin. This fat fuck is even more miserable than myself! (I'm only miserable at work by the way, I'm actually a joy otherwise!!!!) I guess I'd be pretty damn pissed if I were her too. She's not exactly svelte and even if she did lose weight she's not much to look at face-wise and her personality is in the toilet. I'm surprised someone's actually asked her hand in marriage. I doubt she's shown her true colors to this poor sap. Unless, he's using her to get his green card. He's from Brazil, so chances are he might be. Unless of course he likes rolling her in flour all the time.

So you see, I have so much to look forward to for this evening and the coming new year. I hope I make lots of money despite my reluctance to wait on fuckers tonight and work with stupid assholes who think they are above the servers. Happy fucking New Year!
BitchyWaitress

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Worst Night Ever

I apologize for being away for so long. I've been busy trying to supplement my income with work outside of waiting tables. It's been tough. I've been doing some freelance graphic design work but it still isn't enough. So unfortunately for me this means I have to play serf for the rich bastards in Vero Beach who haven't got a clue.

Anywho, this evening turned out to be one for the bullshit books. Let me get started...I absolutely HATE working in a fucking restaurant. It doesn't matter which restaurant you work in, the bullshit is always the same. The number of people each server gets is seldom fair. Usually, some establishments try to keep the number of covers each server gets in the same ballpark. However, in my stupid little bistro we happen to have a shit-for-brains-hostess with boloney tits that seems to be mathematically-fucking-challenged. Who has the nerve to say to me "I love you", because she knew I was bullshit about being treated like a fricken mirage. As if "I love you" is gonna pay my bills! What an asshole.

In addition to dealing with a moronic hostess, we have to contend with the servers who are favored. We have one in particular that just makes my blood boil. This guy gets all the tables and makes the most tips from getting the most covers, period. And what kills me is he sports a MULLET. Yes, a salt and pepper mullet to boot! Which means that the mullet is ALIVE and WELL in Vero Beach my friends. I saw a dude in Walmart with one the other day. Then again, I am in florida, land of the rednecks.

So there you have it, my bitch for the night. I sure hope the new year brings in some better times at my shitty little bistro.
Happy New Year!

Monday, October 1, 2007

TIPPING 101

Okay, here it is. If you've happened upon this ranting of mine and you eat out at restaurant's frequently you may want to read on or at least pass this onto someone you think has no clue about the tipping process. First and foremost, if you are at a fine dining bistro or any restaurant for that matter and the server has finished their rattling of the specials for you, DO NOT ask what the prices are. It comes across as VERY tacky and makes your server think twice about giving you top notch service since you come off looking like a cheap bastard. Secondly, DO NOT interrupt your server while he/she is speaking. It's hard enough trying to remember how every special is prepared AND still feign a sense of humor when you interrupt us with, "Wow, that sounds amazing! How is it prepared?!" Well, I was just doing that you moron, until you rudely interrupted me! Keep your comments to yourself until we are done with our job. Just think for one moment, your server is working very hard at multi-tasking and the sooner he/she is done giving your table drinks and specialing you then the sooner they can get to their next table and either serve them drinks, clear off plates, bring salads, take an order, or greet and seat patrons coming in. 

If you can feel that the pace of the restaurant is somewhat hurried, then save your snappy, witty, funny, remarks that YOU percieve as snappy, witty, OR funny for another time. Being your server doesn't mean we are your court-fucking-jesters. We will be funny, witty and friendly to our guests that TIP us well. The rest of you that are clueless don't get squat. What we do is give you standard cold service. Also, be informed that some servers won't blink an eye to mess with your food or not wash their hands after using the bathroom. I personally don't condone this behavior but you should know they are out there.

Thirdly, if you come in armed with a gift certificate and/or coupon for $$$ off your grand total then make it your priority to TIP ON THE ORIGINAL TOTAL NOT THE DISCOUNTED ONE!!!!! So many people don't seem to understand this. Tipping isn't something that is subject to discounts. Tips are our livelihood. If your bill is $400 and your discount makes your $400 bill into $200 that doesn't mean you tip on the $200. If that's the case then we should've stopped serving your drinks and servicing your table once we've served you $200 worth of food/drinks. You tip on the ORIGINAL amount. We don't like working for free. I don't know anyone who does. People seem to like playing dumb on this one. You know who you are and we do too. 

In fact, one of my weekly blogging duties will be to post the names of the cheap fuckers who don't seem to get it. My fellow servers will see your name and percieve you to be the dumbass or tightwad that cannot grasp the fine art of what tipping is. Also, another note I wanted to touch on is wine service. Somewhere you've heard that you do not have to tip on wine service. Yes you do. We have to fetch your bottle of wine usually outside of the dining room into the "wineroom" or makeshift cellar a restaurant has, then either decant it for you or open it at the table for you and pour it, and YOU WON'T TIP US??? This is wine service. If you are one of those cheap bastards, then know this, we will DEFINITELY make sure that when you return whatever wine you are so desperatley wanting will probably-most-likely NOT be available. I'd rather save a gorgeous bottle of whatever it is you want to a table I KNOW will tip. 

So as a rule, always round your total to the highest increment and tip 20% on that total. If your service was less than stellar then tip 18%. Anything below that and you are an asshole. We always remember names and faces. If thats not reason enough to treat your server with respect via your tipping actions as well as common human decency then I would stay home and have your dinner at home. Cheers! Here's a little clip that sums it up with much humor...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zM2coybME4M